There are four lesser-known negatives that, like sneaky little gremlins, can wreak havoc on our relationships. Whether it’s your loved ones, your children, your friends, or even your colleagues, remember that we possess the power to reshape our actions. By doing so, we can reduce or even eliminate the damage these negatives inflict upon our lives and, quite intriguingly, on the lives of those we care about most. It’s truly fascinating to witness that by changing our own behaviours, we often see the same transformations in others. By making a deliberate effort to sidestep these negative behaviours, you’re taking a major step towards safeguarding the love and respect within your family unit.
Criticism
When you criticize, you’re indirectly implying that there’s a flaw with the person you’re speaking to. You’ve spotted a hiccup in your relationship and decided it’s all about them. Often, we resort to absolute phrases like “You always” or “You never”, signalling that we’re criticizing them. The consequence? They’re likely to feel under attack and thus, become defensive. This is an unhealthy cycle as it leaves both parties feeling unheard, potentially initiating a downward spiral of self-esteem and emotional well-being.
The antidote to criticism is to express your concerns directly, without launching a broadside attack on your partner’s personality. It’s about being open, transparent, honest, and most importantly, compassionate when pointing out areas you’d like to see improved.
Contempt
Contempt is any verbal or nonverbal expression that puts you on a pedestal above your partner. Mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, sarcastic remarks, and sneering all fall under this category. Among the four primary negatives, contempt is the most harmful to a relationship and the most challenging to overcome. Such put-downs can rapidly deplete the love and warmth in a relationship. This is as true for romantic relationships as it is for familial ones, such as those between parents and children.
The remedy for contempt is to curb it immediately and address any contemptuous statements and behaviours head-on. By doing so, you can work together to understand why one feels the need to express contempt, and how to celebrate each other’s strengths without magnifying perceived weaknesses. While not an easy task, eliminating contempt is key if you wish to salvage your relationships.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness arises when a person feels the need to guard themselves against a perceived attack, even if none was intended. Defensiveness can manifest in various ways, like whining, silence, quick retorts, body language, or playing the victim. Defensiveness helps neither party as it suggests that the person on the defence is not accepting any responsibility for their role in the problem, even if they’re not the guilty party. This often leads to an escalation of negativity. While it’s natural to feel defensive when unfairly criticized or attacked, it’s not a productive response. It will only exacerbate the situation.
The solution to defensiveness is to attentively listen to the complaint and accept some responsibility for the issue. This then sets the stage for constructively working towards a mutually agreeable solution.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation. They might physically leave the situation or simply withdraw emotionally, coming across as indifferent or uninterested. Usually, it isn’t that they don’t care, but more that they’re overwhelmed or exhausted. Predominantly a male response (about 80% of the time), men often prefer withdrawal to finding a solution together. Unfortunately, this can provoke frustration, particularly in women who may feel the other person is uncaring or refusing to discuss the problem. This dynamic is particularly prevalent between parents and teenagers, often leading to a vicious cycle of one party demanding to talk and the other seeking escape.
The solution is to learn to identify the signs of stonewalling and understand if it’s due to overwhelming repeated issues or insecurity. If this happens, the first step is to take a break and revisit the issue later when everyone is calmer and in a different frame of mind.
In summary:
Make an effort to voice specific complaints and requests in a neutral, impersonal manner. Practice conscious communication: Speak the truth without opinion and listen empathetically to the responses. Acknowledge and validate the parts you agree with and express understanding of their feelings before presenting an alternative viewpoint. Try to see the issue through their lens before responding. Appreciate differences and foster a culture of acceptance and tolerance. Ask yourself: “What can I learn from this?” and “What can I do about it?”. Shift from feelings of indignation or victimhood to thoughts of appreciation. Assume responsibility and portray a caring, considerate attitude. Refrain from immediate defensiveness and realize that the other person might just be venting their frustrations, which aren’t necessarily directed at you. Remember, “You always hurt the ones you love the most”. Importantly, don’t let your mind spin alternative narratives that may deviate from what actually transpired.
